Ramen, my blessing

     This evening for my din din I decided that I'd try to use some of my ramen noodles and make a recipe I found on the internet for Top Ramen Chow Mein. One of the steps had you cooking vegetables and I'd never done this before. The recipe didn't have detailed instructions on how to cook them, and I didn't feel like asking the all-wise Google so I just winged it, and they turned out perfect! The meal was great, for something made with ramen, and my belly was once again full.
     The reason that I'm now writing about my dinner is not to convince you to to make the recipe, or to make your tummy grumble, it is simple, I find it to be a real blessing in my life. A small one but one that I'm truly grateful for. I find that I need to count my blessings right now because I feel that strangeness where you are sad but there is no reason behind it and you know there must be some reason behind the feeling that chocolate doesn't even improve but you can't think of one. I think to myself, "What is wrong with me? How can I fix myself? What will make me feel better? By counting my blessings? Really?!" Since I really do want the feeling gone, and there is no harm in trying, I start to list them...
     The temple dedication, my testimony of forever families and the temple and the prophet and His love for me, food, clothes, likes, family, prayer, conference talks, understanding teachers, contacts, a sense of humor, good people, friends, chocolate, bananas, and holidays. Why is it working? How come the feeling is diluting?
     Good movies, dreams, pillows, ice cream (even if I'm currently out of it), blogs, nephews, my Grandma, a phone, ponytails, health, tissues, embarrassments, books, the scriptures (especially The Book of Mormon), flowers, beauty, a toothbrush, inspired leaders, my step-family, good weather, and kind acts of service.
     Fun, there's a smile on my face now and my tears have all dried. I'm kind of surprised that it worked so well. Read the following quote. It's the reason that I started this in the first place. I needed a release from this feeling of despair, but... My roommate's guitar is no longer available. Today happens to be Sunday so, no running. And I've already cleaned the whole kitchen, including all my roommates' dishes. Counting blessings was the only option available, and it worked so well for me!
  
"We live in a unique time in the world’s history. We are blessed with so very much. And yet it is sometimes difficult to view the problems and permissiveness around us and not become discouraged. I have found that, rather than dwelling on the negative, if we will take a step back and consider the blessings in our lives, including seemingly small, sometimes overlooked blessings, we can find greater happiness."

-Thomas  S.  Monson

Sunday Vandals in Rexburg

     At precisely 2:35 A.M., oh wait, 1:35 A.M. thanks to daylight savings, a noise disturbed me from the late night movie I had been enjoying. I looked out my window in time to see two young men, unless they were two manly young women, running from door to door, picking up pumpkins and throwing them off the balcony of my apartment building. The pumpkins that someone spent hard earned money and precious hours on, and the pumpkins that someone so artistically carved, were thrown down two stories to their desecration. They all now lay in moist pieces on the hard cement below.
     When things like these happen, and they don't usually, I find myself asking, "Why?" Because some adolescent young men wanted to get a kick out of seeing the girls of the apartment the next day with frowns on their faces? Because they wanted the satisfaction of knowing that someone now has a mess to clean up? Because they wanted the adrenaline they got when they so sneakily ran past apartments and showed both their strength and speed in doing a devilish deed without getting caught? Because they wanted to put the pumpkins out of their misery? Because they wanted some laughs?
     As you can probably tell, I am not a fan, I was awake when their escapade was in progress, and I did see a little of the irresponsible fellows who are responsible for this pointless act of vandalism.
     There were two throwing off the pumpkins on my floor, one was wearing a red jacket with the hood up, the other wasn't. They met their friend near the stairs on the south side of the building. He wasn't wearing a hood either and I believe his hair was light in color. Then they all ran off towards the stairwell laughing and speaking in loud whispers as if it had all been some hilarious joke.
     Well, I have a roommate who is going through a major trial in her life right now and I doubt that she'll think this is a funny prank. She is the one who made the pumpkin outside our door. And what a lovely pumpkin it was roughly twenty minutes ago. These three sons of God weren't acting like sons of God. On this early Sabbath morning, they were acting like jerks. I know my roommate will be saddened by the news that her pumpkin, she spent so much time on, is now destroyed but knowing her she'll be even more saddened by the news that someone else will be forced to clean it all up. I just hope it doesn't hurt a lot because no one deserves to hurt a lot, even the pumpkin smashers don't deserve that.
     The identities of the boys are unknown, and, personally, I kind of hope it stays that way so I'm not tempted to be rude to them, but if I could ask those boys a couple questions they would be these, "Whose life is bettered by this?" and, "So, what in the world possessed you to do it?"

Just the other day...

     A warm honey scent plays with my nose as I speed walk to family history class.  People pass by me.  Their eyes seem to stare at a spot on the cement sidewalk.  I look down to see what it is but there’s nothing but pebbles, grey blobs of gum, and dried leaves.  My shins begin to scream anarchy as I speed up my already fast pace.  I want to make it on time to class today.
     With roughly one-hundred feet to walk before I could take my speed walking into the Benson building, at last I see a face whose eyes find more interest in my own than the grey cement beneath our feet.  Oh, no.  The creep from the tennis courts is also a creep on my way to save the dead.  He must have figured out that we turn hearts in that class.
     “Hi,” I squeak out as I change my pace almost into a run.
     He adopts my direction and my pace and begins to talk to me with his creamy peanut butter voice, “Hey! What’s the rush? Late to class or something?”
     Trying to hold my usual smile on my face I say, “Yeah. I’m really late! Bye.”  And once again I increase the velocity of my feet.  And one catches on an elevated piece of the sidewalk.  Argh!  So that is why everyone stares at the ground while walking to and from class, so they don’t make fools of themselves in front of people they’d rather not be in front of at all.
     Luckily my fall wasn’t so bad and there was no blood the wanna-be knight in shining armor could clean off.  Instead his hand was waiting to help me up.  I look at it for a moment, look away, and hoping I had just imagined it look up again.  It was still there and in the interest of time I accepted his cavalier offering.  Half-heartedly I said, “Thank you.”  And when I was about to cause my poor body more pain by literally running away, I was jolted backwards and almost fell again when I realized he hadn’t let go of my hand!
     “Hey! Slow down! I’ve been meaning to ask you…”

Autumn is Coming

Breathing in

Freshly cut watermelon

And warm, rich honey

The day before Autumn comes.

Breathing the many sweet scents of Summer,

The day before Autumn comes.

Passing by a ground’s man,

Who wields wood chips as mulch.

Breathing in its deep, woody scent,

The day before Autumn comes.

 Breathing, just breathing,

            The sweetness of fresh air.

            It’s easy to breathe in

The day before Autumn comes.

Breathing in is,

            Getting harder.

Autumn is almost here.

please note that it is already fall :) but I was thinking back on when it wasn't yet when I wrote this.

smMYling

In our own despair we often forget that others around us are also suffering. It's easy to do. We are very self-centered creatures normally. Think about it. When your mom asked you to clean your room you thought to yourself, "MOM! I just have three more levels before I beat this Zelda!!! Can't you wait!" You then were plagued with doubts about your mother's love for you and you have never ever been the same since. No, but really, when your teacher at school assigned you a major homework assignment the night of your biggest game in your life's history didn't you sit around in a circle with all your buddies and bash on that good-for-nothing teacher that should realize that half of the people in his class are on the team with the biggest game in their "career" on the line and he expects you to finish this torturous assignment? Who can worry about something as trivial as Math or even English when something important is on the line such as your basketball career. We really are centered on ourselves.
Today I had the opportunity to smile at a hundred people as they made their way through door L of the BYU-I I-Center for devotional. As I tried to practice an infectious smile I had a long while to think about myself and the people going in and out my door. Some were really quiet and wouldn't look at me in the face until I said, "Enjoy devotional!" then most heard me and smiled and said "thanks." But then there were others that maybe didn't hear me and never looked my way and on their lips wasn't even a remnant of a smile. This makes me reflect on myself negatively and ask "what if I failed?". I remind myself of the poem by Emily Dickinson, "They might not need me; but they might. I'll let my head be just in sight; a smile as small as mine might be precisely their necessity." And again I ask, "What if I failed?"
I was always smiling and even if sometimes my voice did stutter I did welcome them to devotional. So I really can't say I didn't do my part to try and make their day better. They just didn't give me the chance to.
It makes me feel so much better on a bad day when a complete stranger acknowledges my existence because it jars me away from thinking about me and my problems and reminds me that there are other people on the planet too. So what am I trying to get at? I'm not sure. Maybe I want to ask you to look at the people that you walk past on the sidewalk and smile. Maybe that's all they needed at that moment. You could be the one do give it to them. And I think that'd make them smile back. Plus the world will be a happier place if the people in it showed their pearly whites once in a while.

Walls

You’ve built up so many walls inside of you; I can see them outside of you.
They make you stiff and cause you to be critical and demanding of others.
And that is not what this life is all about.
We were meant to love each other and be supportive and forgiving.
But those walls inside of you won’t let you relent.
You must be exacting. You must be imposing. And that makes you mean.
And it’s causing you pain.
But the walls inside you can be temporary if only you’d let them.
Take the petard that forgiveness commissions and destroy that part of yourself, forever.
Never let the walls slowly build up inside you again.
Everyday choose to go on clean up duty, chose to forgive, and chose to repent.
Throw away the ruble that starts accumulating in your heart.
Don’t let it sit there and cement and cause you to lose out on the joy of life.
Please.
You’ve built up so many walls inside of you; I can see them outside of you.
And it’s causing me pain.

What is meant by "being content"?

Contentment
Robs the mind of thought
Stunts the growth of knowledge
But opens time for peaceful rest
So motion loses progress

Testimony Meeting at Girl's Camp

My soul is billowing, billowing more and more, getting bigger and bigger, and closer to Heaven.
Warmth, flickering and flashing, causing my eyes to water and my conviction to strengthen.
The crack and pop induces goose bumps to run up and down my limbs.
Inspiration lands soft and white in my eyes causing tears and my fingers to fly on a page.

"The Spirit of God like a fire is burning"

I'm Thinking

I'm thinking of all the places I need to go, the things I need to do, and the people that I need to see. I'm thinking that I might not have time for all of it, especially now that I'm taking a minute to write. I'm thinking of my blessings, and how bountiful they are. I'm thinking that even though I'm feeling nervous about the unknown I'm going to be happy no matter what comes my way. I'm thinking that I think too much and that now is not the time for thinking but the time for doing.

A Nightmare

One late evening in Autumn, Night reached her icy cold fingers to grip the streets of a small town and the heart of a little girl.
A father starts walking, hand in hand with his daughter, down a dim, damp street. The pale green of the patriarch’s eyes hold a hint of sadness and the daughter’s light blue eyes look around unseeing. Clinging to her sole parent, the pair walks past store after store.Music is heard coming from a bar. A pebble skids across the hard, cracked, cement sidewalk.  The pair walk on.
Past drunks coming out of a bar, the pair walk, not hearing their slurred speak and or seeing as they wobble by. Passing a huge man in a dark rain coat, just standing at an entrance to an alley, they go on and on. The moon is hiding it’s familiar face and the lamp lights shutter spookily. Leaves piled up at the base of a nearby tree rustle, and the wind brings the sound of a train whistle while the tightly joined duo walk on.
A teenage stranger approaches the pair who are snapped from their numbness when she inquires if they would walk with her home. She seems frightened, a bit on edge, and she reminded him of a little girl, a little like his own daughter, so the father agrees. Still clinging to the strong hand of her father, the girl studies the stranger. Strangely dyed, curly hair is pulled up on her head in a bun. A pretty necklace graces her neck and a gangster-like jacket hangs about her slim shoulders. And so the now trio walk on.
An old, orange, stray tabby cries from its seat on an abandoned car. They travel past a hole-in-the-wall, long closed, Pizzeria and down the long street. An owl screeches when it‘s prey is found. A car drives by with its bright headlights on, temporarily blinding all three. The girl still clings to her father’s callused hand as they all walk on.
With the strange teenage girl leading the way, they take a sharp right and find themselves in a dim alley behind a small Mexican-American restaurant. People are lining the wall to their right and a few large silhouettes line the wall to their left. The teenage stranger thanks the father for accompanying her home and the father daughter team turn to continue their tedious walk home. The biggest silhouette, one who reeked and wore a gangster-like jacket similar to the one the teenage stranger had on, left the wall and placed a pair of arms as strong as heavy rope around the unsuspecting father, suddenly tearing him away from his beloved daughter’s grasp. Although the father was no match for the man he commenced his useless struggle, desperate to not be parted from his little girl.
Deeply miffed by the cold she felt when the warm hand left hers, the daughter goes after the thug who is dragging her father to the back door of the shop. She throws herself at him and manages to place one good kick to the scoundrel’s shin. Before she can strike again however, another massive thug grabs her from behind, stopping her pitiful rescue attempt. He pins her to the ground while they continue to take her only mortal parent away. In a last ditch effort to free her father she pleads for mercy from the seemingly merciless thugs, screaming, “NO! NO! NO! You can‘t take my dad! I don‘t have my mom anymore, I need my dad! No! You can‘t take him! He‘s all I‘ve got left!!”
A confused consciousness fills the girl and she reaches one small hand out in lonely anguish for a mother who is no longer there. Her father, after hearing her cry out, comes into her room and holds her till her self-pitying sobs end. The daughter then grabs hold of her father’s strong hand and clings to it till a numbing sleep frees her from her current woes into the arms of nothingness.

Life isn't a Movie

What could be better than watching Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr as they fall in love? Or watching the epic story of true love in “The Princess Bride”? The other day I just kept watching a fairly good PG movie called “Runaway Bride”. I wanted to understand how Julia Roberts’character finally found herself. And how come she fell in love with Richard Gere and not groom number four Christopher Meloni? I got absorbed into the characters’ lives and analysed almost everything about them, what they wore, the way they talked, the way they handled a situation, and even the way their hair was done up. Everytime you watch a movie you can observe different things. That is what I love about movies. And if the movie is a good one then you might want to watch it over and over again so you can observe different things, or maybe that’s just me. But it is like reading different versions of the same book and it almost doesn’t feel like you’re watching one movie over again. But I've been noticing lately that when I'm sitting down watching movies, I'm becoming a couch potato. And who wants to be a veggie that sits on a dark couch somewhere with so many eyes? There are only twenty-four hours in the day and as a way to help me stop spending so many hours with movies I wrote a list of reasons life is NOT like a movie.

Life doesn't have mood music constantly playing in the background for everyone but you to hear.

There are seldom chase scenes.

Unless you have your hair professionally done or you are a hair stylist yourself, your hair will never look like the characters' in the movies, especially when you've just woken up!

Although the coincidences aren't coincidences in either, in the movies it is because the writer dreamed them up, in life it is because God knows what's best for us (although we do wonder sometimes what He had in mind).

The main characters are physically pretty but they are only beautiful because we consider them to be so.

People actually have faults that aren't endearing or cute.

Science fiction is fiction, and it won't become real, although someday it might come close.

Your Fairy Godmother died with your childhood, sorry.

Life will never be as glamorous as Audrey Hepburn or as over-the-top hilarious as Bob Hope.

There are major consequences to gambling, drinking, smoking, being promiscuous, and eating a lot of chocolate and ice cream without exercising.

Life is not a movie but it's more fulfilling than watching one, especially if you actually embrace your life and live it.

Think and Be

Just a minute ago I felt myself slowly slipping into a fowl mood. And I thought to myself, "I'd sure like to stay happy, but how do I do that?" when I came across this quote.

As he thinks, so he is; as he continues to think, so he remains.

-James Allen

And so in answer to my own questions I simply told myself to be happy, and now I am. The answer to my questions was so simple it's insane. I'm not sure of it myself except it worked and I'm still happy right now. All I had to do is want to be happy, and since that desire was great enough, I am. But I can't claim that all of my good mood is because of myself, I also prayed and I know that that had a huge effect on it too. I just know that thought has a major effect on us. So if you are feeling down, maybe you could just tell yourself that you want to be happy now and ask your Heavenly Father to help you. He will help you. I know He will. And if you don't believe me, ask Him yourself and He'll tell you, in His own way ;)

Hungry? Thirsty?

Do you every have this feeling that you want something but you can't seem to figure out what? I get it all the time. For me, it's a hunger, an intense yearning. But I seem to always have a problem figuring out what it is so I can fix it. I don't realize at first that the yearning is a hunger; I simply begin trying to fill it with anything I can get my hands on. I watch movies. I read books. I eat food. I play the piano! Anything I can think will fix it I do. When I start getting desperate I go for a jog up the road. And there, I finally figure it out. First I need to explain something. Where I live I can walk down the road and look all around me and not see anyone, just sky and fields stretching out forever. It is my secret place where it seems so natural just to talk with God. And that is when the hunger is finally abated. When I reach out to Him, that is when I finally receive relief.

"The story is told of a vessel stranded off the coast of South America whose Captain signalled to a passing ship to share their water with his passengers as they were suffering from thirst. The passing ship signalled back telling him to let down his bucket into the water in which they were floundering, because they were in the mouth of the Amazon River and the water was fresh.
The message of the ages to all people stranded in their sins is that they are in friendly territory and all they need to do is to let down their buckets and have their thirst quenched. The Master is ready always to listen to the cry of a repentant person and let him drink of the fountain of life freely."

-The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimball 

Time slips through our hands.

We can't stop it or slow its escape. Although sometimes time won't flow fast enough, I mostly wish it would flow a little slower. Time is a none-renewable resource. It may become renewable when we leave this life but each day we are allotted a certain amount of time. And we can chose to spend  our time anyway we'd like but since we can never retrieve a lost moment and since a wasted hour can never be recycled, the question to be posed is simply, how do we spend our time?  I found this story about time. The author is unknown.

“And in my dreams I came to a beautiful building, somehow like a bank, and yet not a bank because the brass marker said, ‘Time for Sale.’

“I saw a man, breathless and pale, painfully pull himself up the stairs like a sick man. I heard him say: ‘The doctor told me I was five years too late in going to see him. I will buy those five years now—and then he can save my life.’

“Then came another man; also who said to the clerk: ‘When it was too late, I discovered that God had given me great capacities and endowments, and I failed to develop them. Sell me ten years so that I can be the man I would have been.’

“Then came a younger man to say: ‘The company has told me that starting next month I can have a big job if I am prepared to take it. But I am not prepared. Give me two years of time so that I will be prepared to take the job next month.’

“So they came, ill, hopeless, despondent, worried, unhappy—and they left smiling, each man with a look of unutterable pleasure on his face, for he had what he so desperately needed and wanted—time.

“Then I awakened, glad that I had what these men had not, and what they could never buy—time. Time to do so many things I wanted to do, that I must do. If that morning I whistled at my work, it was because a great happiness filled my heart. For I still had time, if I used it well.”

No Place Like Home

Where beauty is none existent to dull eyes

Where sky vibrates at the hum of metal birds

Where land is harsh,

          Constant and endless till it touches the distant sky

Where summers are extra hot and the winters extra cold

          And the wind seldom stops to take a breath

Where apricots are miscarried as blossoms

          And zucchinis grow fat and old on the vine

Where mini cannibalistic pigs that whistle jayrun across highways

Where birds of prey are your nearest neighbours

Where the name itself is a lie

This is my view,  jealous? ;)

People

People. People are what matter. PEOPLE are what matter in life. This life is meant to be a purification process, to change us from dirty lumps of coal to beautiful crystal clear diamonds and people are what help us do that. So when you ask yourself, "why in the world would anyone say that," or "what did they do that for," think to yourself, "Oh! That is for me, to make myself a better, brighter, clearer diamond!" and, grudgingly at first, say "thank you" and remember that people are what matter, PEOPLE :)

The cure to sadness is not some-
thing you can buy at the drug-
store or find on the internet. The
cure is simply choosing to smile
in spite of everything. Because
eventually that smile will be real
and the sadness will be gone and
you, my friend, will be happy.
 -Anna Martin

Books, the Lazy Way to Dream and Feel

The way to occupy your mind with dreams

Without having to invent them yourself.

The lazy way to dream,

To open a book and read!

Dreams enfold with every turn of a page.

The characters' feelings bleed from the pages and stain your hands red.

The story goes with you even after you lay the book down.

Detrimental or advantageous,

You don’t a choice now but to carry them with you.

A Stephen King book could cause more fear to pump through your veins than blood.

A Jane Austen could be as refreshing as a shower after a good, hard work out.

A self-help book could make you feel as if you drank a nasty protein shake, healthy but dissatisfied.

And an Agatha Christie could bring to your remembrance the many flaws in humanity.

But after setting the book down and leaving it untouched,

The easy dreams will eventually begin to fade and die,

The feelings once always with you will start washing away,

And what will be left?

Your feelings,

And your dreams.

Come What May, and Love It

The following are a selection of quotes from Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's Conference talk in October 2008

"I think she may have meant that every life has peaks and shadows and times when it seems that the birds don't sing and bells don't ring. Yet in spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser, and happier as a result.

How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't - at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life.

If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead us toward times of greatest happiness.

Learn to laugh.

It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Learning to endure times of disappointment, suffering, and sorrow is part of out on-the-job training. These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character, and increase our compassion for others.

Because Jesus Christ suffered greatly, He understands our suffering. He understands our grief. We experience hard things so that we too may have increased compassion and understanding for others.

Sometimes the very moments that seem to overcome us with suffering are those that will ultimately suffer us to overcome.

The third thing we can do is understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.

The Lord Jesus Christ is our partner, helper, and advocate. He wants us to be happy. He wants us to be successful. If we do our part, He will step in."

The days that should have been your worst days, somehow turn out the best. And on the days that were supposed to be your best days, everything seems to be going wrong. I looked up a few quotes that help make our bad days good and our good days better.

"At times we may despair that our burdens are too great. When it seems that a tempest is raging in our lives, we may feel abandoned and cry out like the disciples in the storm, “Master, carest thou not that we perish?” (Mark 4:38). At such times we should remember His reply: “Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?” (v. 40)." -He Heals the Heavy Laden , Dallin H. Oaks

“When you find yourselves a little gloomy,” said President Lorenzo Snow, “look around you and find somebody that is in a worse plight than yourself; go to him and find out what the trouble is, then try to remove it with the wisdom which the Lord bestows upon you; and the first thing you know, your gloom is gone, you feel light, the Spirit of the Lord is upon you, and everything seems illuminated.”

There are times when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil until his depressive spirit leaves you. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions, shall be but a small moment; “And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 121:7–8.)

While you are going through your trial, you can recall your past victories and count the blessings that you do have with a sure hope of greater ones to follow if you are faithful. And you can have that certain knowledge that in due time God will wipe away all tears and that “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” (1 Cor. 2:9.)

Let your minds be filled with the goal of being like the Lord, and you will crowd out depressing thoughts as you anxiously seek to know him and do his will.

...the devil’s designs of despair, discouragement, depression, and despondency can be defeated in a dozen ways, namely: repentance, prayer, service, work, health, reading, blessings, fasting, friends, music, endurance, and goals. -Do Not Despair, Ezra Taft Benson

What Thinks Christ of Me?

Selections from Neil L Andersen's talk in April 2012.

Wherever you now find yourself on the road of discipleship, you are on the right road, the road toward eternal life. Together we can lift and strengthen one another in the great and important days ahead. Whatever the difficulties confronting us, the weaknesses confining us, or the impossibilities surrounding us, let us have faith in the Son of God, who declared, “All things are possible to him that believeth.”

Jesus told the leader of the synagogue, “Be not afraid, only believe.” Discipleship is believing Him in seasons of peace and believing Him in seasons of difficulty, when our pain and fear are calmed only by the conviction that He loves us and keeps His promises.

At times we thoughtfully wonder why the miracle we have so earnestly prayed for does not happen here and now. But as we trust in the Savior, promised miracles will occur. Whether in this life or the next, all will be made right. The Savior declares: “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

I testify that as you love Him, trust Him, believe Him, and follow Him, you will feel His love and approval. As you ask, “What thinks Christ of me?” you will know that you are His disciple; you are His friend. By His grace He will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.

I say a prayer for someone else

And my prayer is answered.

My soul yearns for the wish of my heart

To be granted

And I’m denied. Why.

There is no spoken answer

But I feel like He just hasn’t answered me yet.

Someday will be my day for my faith

To be enough.

I’m waiting for my

Answers to prayer. I wait

For it somewhat impatiently.

I still wait, because it will be answered,

As long as I believe and do

As I was foreordained to do.

My words of advice:

Read your scriptures in the morning

Stay close to the spirit and

Talk with your Father and your Savior

Whenever you have anything that bothers you

He will help you overcome it.

The man who does not shrink from self-crucifixion can never fail to accomplish the object upon which his heart is set.

-James Allen

Dateless and Dealing

There is a quote by Thomas S. Monson that goes something like, "When we compare ourselves to others we become either bitter or vain". I think of this quote whenever I compare myself with others and I try to analyse which one I become... And I never know. I guess I think of it as contrasting more than comparing. I contrast other people's social life to mine and mine is looking like wimpy yellow sprigs grass contrasted with their luscious green lawn that would have been in the Garden of Eden.

Questions start to run through my mind, for example. Why? Is there a reason for my dateless state? I start to ask myself other questions after these.  Like is there something wrong with me? Do I smell? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Do I annoy people? Just because I'm not a social butterfly doesn't mean I should be dateless right? But all my supposed answers to these questions seem to make my opinion of myself sour. There has to be something wrong with me right? Would you say that there is something wrong with me, because I’m dateless? Would you say there is something wrong with you because you’re dateless? I don’t think so, and actually I know that that isn’t true!

 When I answer the questions above, I usually blow them off right away because it is preposterous! Who is going to say that something is wrong with me? Who is going to say, "Hey girl, you just ain't smart enough for me!" or “Girl, you is fat and ugly”? If someone said that we wouldn't take that sitting down! We would know he was wrong. And we would want to punch him in the nose or at least pray for his soul because when God hears what he said He is going to be mad at him! Anyway, sometimes it is a lot harder to shut down these destructive thoughts if they are more subtle and not as pronounced. If we don't notice them for what they are they are going to eat at us and we are going to start to believe them. We have to be convinced of own self-worth and of our potential.  And we have to keep positive thoughts running into our heads. We need to do things because they will make us feel good or better about ourselves.  And keep shooting down those negative thoughts with the precision of a sniper.

                The following is a few excerpts from a talk entitled, “Your Happily Ever After” given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf in the April 2010 Ensign. At the end I will post a link so you can go directly to the talk and read and/or listen to the whole thing.

“In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy……

It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

There are those among you who, although young, have already suffered a full measure of grief and sorrow. My heart is filled with compassion and love for you. How dear you are to the Church. How beloved you are of your Heavenly Father. Though it may seem that you are alone, angels attend you. Though you may feel that no one can understand the depth of your despair, our Savior, Jesus Christ, understands. He suffered more than we can possibly imagine, and He did it for us; He did it for you. You are not alone.

If you ever feel your burden is too great to bear, lift your heart to your Heavenly Father, and He will uphold and bless you. He says to you, as He said to Joseph Smith, “[Your] adversity and [your] afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if [you] endure it well, God shall exalt [you] on high.”

Enduring adversity is not the only thing you must do to experience a happy life. Let me repeat: how you react to adversity and temptation is a critical factor in whether or not you arrive at your own “happily ever after.”…….

                I understand that, at times, some may wonder why they attend Church meetings or why it is so important to read the scriptures regularly or pray to our Heavenly Father daily. Here is my answer: You do these things because they are part of God’s path for you. And that path will take you to your “happily ever after” destination…….

                My dear young sisters—you who stand for truth and righteousness, you who seek goodness, you who have entered the waters of baptism and walk in the ways of the Lord—our Father in Heaven has promised that you will “mount up with wings as eagles; [you] shall run, and not be weary; and [you] shall walk, and not faint.”  You “shall not be deceived.”  God will bless and prosper you.  “The gates of hell shall not prevail against you; … and the Lord God will disperse the powers of darkness from before you, and cause the heavens to shake for your good, and his name’s glory.”

http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/article/general-young-women-meeting/2010/03/your-happily-ever-after?lang=eng

Book Addiction

I couldn’t stop to go to bed. I’d be angry or irritable whenever interrupted. I’d hide from people. I was reclusive. My happiness depended more on it. I was rejecting my agency and let an author who didn’t know me dictate my emotions.

I was addicted to books. My books were prison my guards, my jailors. They dictated when I could sleep and eat. They put me in solitary confinement. I felt so alone.  So I turned to my jailors even more. It made me feel almost completely empty inside. I was a stomach that no amount of food could fill.

My drug of choice one night was a novel titled, No Longer Strangers by Rachel Ann Nunes. My lamplight had been blazing for more than six hours.  My eyelids were heavy, but I’d just rub them a little and keep reading. I’d stayed up until about five o’clock AM. The book wasn’t even enjoyable anymore but I just kept reading. At the time I didn’t think of it as an addiction. I mean people get addicted to drugs and food and alcohol and shopping. Who in their right mind would get addicted to books? Well, I did. I needed to read. I couldn’t stop easily.

I have no idea how it started or when exactly it ended, my addiction with books, with novels. Actually it wasn’t just any books. It was particularly romance novels, LDS romance novels. These are novels that you’d think would be filled with happiness and love and they pretty much are, but they are mostly about people with major sorrows overcoming them and finding true love in the end.  And I mean the end. Reading about real people being depressed or really really sad is depressing! Well here I was chugging down story after story of some depressed person who found their happily ever after but it took what? A whole two hundred pages to get there! And when I finally got my high the book would be over and I’d need a new one. For this addiction were there withdrawals? If you consider needing another dose right after it to keep my mood up because it didn’t last long to begin with, then yeah, there are withdrawals. But if I didn’t have another book I could survive until one landed in front of my willing eyes.

                I sometimes would skim the books I was thinking of reading so I’d know if it would fill my craving or not. I skimmed a book where the girl had a twin. Her twin died, she got into drugs and alcohol, had a baby, then the baby’s father accidentally killed the baby. She was depressed the whole book. Finally near the end she met up with some LDS missionaries who shared with her what they knew to be true of there being life after death and there being a Savior. She then converted but she was persecuted for being “bad” before she converted by another Latter-Day-Saint who was jealous of her. She’d fallen in love with one of the missionaries who shared the gospel with her and it was going to be almost the most depressing book of all time! Up until the last few pages it was still depressing, so of course I chose not to read it all the way through. Those kinds of books wouldn’t help me feel better at all.  

There are a multitude of reasons for a person to become addicted to something but the main reason would be that that something is addicting. It made the person feel, and normally that feeling is a good feeling or in other words a high. So according to my own definition you could assume that the books I read were making me high or giving me a good feeling. The only problem with this conclusion is that they did but only until I compared the happiness the characters were feeling to myself and became even more depressed because fake people had real relationships with people. Relationships with people are what make life interesting, enjoyable and not enjoyable, easier and harder, but especially interesting. That is what is unique about book addictions compared to other addictions. Shoes can’t smile or laugh or cry. A cigarette isn’t going to yell at you. And no drink is going to fall in love. When you read a book you can imagine the people in them. You can imagine them having emotions and you relate. Because I spent all my time reading about fake people and substantially less time with real people I had few strong relationships with actual people. And all I could talk to people about were the books I’d read because that is all I’d been doing. And that is just sad.

Addictions steal your agency. You forfeited the ability to choose for yourself. You became weak, and that addiction now rules your life. It is your king. The only way to get rid of it is to choose, or cause, anarchy. Replace your addiction with things in your life that you actually want.

I chose one day to just stop, to stop reading books. And now I’m in rehabilitation. But I am starting to read books again, in moderation.

FOG

Steals destinations

Determinations

And drive

Weighty and thick

Descends before perceived

And stays until noticed

When your mind, eyes, and body

Won’t focus

Idle like a car at a stop sign

Coughing out exhaust fumes

A type of smog, fog

I sometimes feel like a fog has descended upon me, or that I'm in a fog and can't escape it. In the General Young Women's Meeting Sister Elaine S. Dalton talked about a fog that descended on a female swimmer while she was swimming a long distance from a shoreline to an island. She was a wonderful swimmer and she had been swimming for quite a while when the fog set in. Her mother was in a boat beside her cheering her on, telling her to keep going but she still got discouraged and soon gave up just to realize that she was within one mile of her destination. When asked why she had stopped she said it wasn't because she was tired or anything like that but because she had been licked by the fog. She then went and tried it again and did make it all the way but I wonder if sometimes I do the same thing she did. If I give up when a "fog" sets in. I think about how sad that is that we let satan discourage us. Because he does try to discourage us! All the stinkin time! We just have to choose to keep swimming in spite of the fog of doubt or discouragement and turn to Christ to light our way through it.

How was your day?

Write it on your heart that everyday is the best day in the year… Finish everyday, and be done with it. You have done what you could do.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mountains

A mountain, a home

Where brooks babble, rocks reside, and kids climb.

Home to all who live and die there

And to those who yearn to.

Mountains aka surveillance gurus

Stand overhead surrounding and condemning,

Cannot escape their capture or nearness

Suffocate you.

A hiker scaling a mountain,

To its highest peaks,

Experiences euphoria

Feeling closer to himself and to his God.

Mountains stand imperial

Covered with white clocks and green ornamentation

Silent soldiers emitting safety