Feelings of insecurity are never far from my mind, whether it is fear of judgement, rejection, failure, or embarassment. Stake dances are one of the things that seem to open the door to feelings of insecurity. The worst is when guys actually come but don't dance with you. I mean we all feel insecure and that might be the reason that no one asks us at a dance to dance. But what ever the real reason the mind is mean and tells you lies about yourself. Tells you aren't pretty enough, aren't graceful enough, aren't good enough. But it is all not true! What does it matter that no guy asks us to dance? Heavenly Father still loves us! (And He shows us that love in all sorts of ways so just look for them.) But sometimes that doesn't seem to stop the tears and we just have to hide and have a little crying session. But that's ok. It's part of life. I once wrote a poem about a stake dance. Here it is.
Unmoving
The music's loud
in a blurry room
and she is left
...unmoving
A silent tear slides
down her neutral face
...
unnoticed
Insecure
amidst insecurity
she holds a
fixable saddness
Unnoticed,
her neutrality slightly breaking,
silent tears slide down her face
For the others seen
unmoving,
in a blurry room
when the music's loud.
When I got home from one particular dance I felt inspired to read a story in the Old Testiment, the story of Lazarus when he is raised from the dead. There is one part that seemed particularly relevant to me in my situation. (If you don't remember the story or want to brush up you can find it online at
http://lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/11?lang=eng or St John 11 in the King James Version of the Bible.) The gist of the story is Martha and Mary's brother Lazarus died before Christ came to heal him. When Christ does get there Mary is weeping and so are a lot of other Jews. When Jesus sees this it states in St John 11:35 "Jesus wept." This two word verse of scripture brought great comfort to me. To think that everytime I shed some tears that Christ has also felt what I'm feeling and crys with me. My tears now can stop sooner when I realize that He took on all of life's sorrows. Remember that this life is not what forever will be like. (I'm paraphrasing an apostle) "Trust in God with all thine heart... lean not to thine own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5-6) And one last scripture for you. "...the words of Christ, if we follow their course, carry us beyond this vale of sorrow into a far better land of promise." (Alma 37:45)
